Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
