I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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