i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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