p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
