just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize