im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
