I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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