kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
