In America we eat man semen.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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