I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
