I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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