I hate all girls vehemently.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
