Are we in a gay sports bar?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
