I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
