his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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