Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
