im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize