Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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