Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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