It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
