im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
