I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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