my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
