he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
