That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize