My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
