There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
