she woke up with a sticky ear
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Randomize
