You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
