How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
