You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
