I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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