Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
