my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
