My underwear smells like fireworks.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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