i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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