Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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