I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
