You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
