in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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