I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
