did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
