Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
