Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
