Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Welp...herpes.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
