There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
