Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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