I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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