I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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