I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize