Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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