I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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