Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i think i have two assholes
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
