No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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