Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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