I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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