New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
