i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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