I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
