69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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