i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
