I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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