I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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