Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
