there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
