I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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