you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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