ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Come on in and take your pants off
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