There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize