Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
