They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
