I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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