I have demons in me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
