Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
