i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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